Playing the Martyr Vs. Being Yourself

 by Viktor Austria


Relationships, or rather the building of one, have occupied a considerable space in our lives. It serves as a force for us to do foolish, unreasonable, and selfless things which rarely gets reciprocated.

We have come to use selflessness as a measure of how much we love someone. The more you do and offer to a person in your expense, the more it should reflect how your love for the girl. On one end, it makes great sense, and it makes for a romantic story too. It’s always nice to hear people subduing their own self just to prove themselves to a woman of their dreams.

However, it does not always need to be this way.

Being selfless in love is actually a good thing. It shows how willing you are to prove yourself, how decided you are to be with that person. We can agree the prospect sounds good this way, but we also can’t deny that the number of failed attempts outnumbers the successful ones. The idea of failure is almost too familiar to us that whenever we fail, we are so ready to dismiss it as a sign that you two “were just not meant to be”.

Well, maybe you really are not meant to be, but you don’t need to fail in the first place if you are more aware of other factors other than the girl you are trying to be with. By being too selfless, we take too many unnecessary risks, risks that we could have avoided if we would just be more self-aware.

There are a lot of things you can do to avoid falling into the pitfall of being a martyr.


Know yourself better

Actually take time to bond with yourself (and no, surfing the net in front of the laptop for hours on end does not count). Befriend yourself; ask yourself questions that you avoid knowing about yourself before. Invest in yourself, in the things you want to do, and in the person you want to become.

This might already be a cliché, but it really pays off if you learn to love yourself over anyone else. The more comfortable you are with what you do and who you are, the less you would need to do unreasonable acts for. Your passions and desires will do the talking for you, and should you fail, it reassures you that you have failed while doing things you are at ease in doing.


Give things enough timeSplitShire_IMG_9950 (800x533)

Usually, the unnecessary risks are taken because we take relationships as an urgent thing. That’s why we assume the wrong things, consider the wrong factors, and fail for the worst reasons. Does she like me back? Am I good enough for her at this point? If you are wise enough, you will step back a little bit and give things time.

Give yourself time to look at the whole picture. Learn things about the other person as much as you can. Stay at a steady pace and don’t rush things. The more you know about how things go, the lesser you need to take high-risk actions. Just take a sigh of relief, enjoy, and appreciate how things are the way they are!


Calculate the risks

This might sound counterproductive, but it also pays to choose the risks you take.

But isn’t taking risks means for us to screw the consequences and just go for what we want?

Yes and no. I agree that risks involve not knowing what comes after, but I have to disagree that we can’t do anything about the risks we take. Before asking her out on a luxurious dinner date or buying her the latest iPhone which will cost you months worth of paycheck, ask yourself first:

Does this really communicate what I want to say to her?

Do I know her enough to preempt how she would react?

Is there a better way to express the same message?

Contrary to popular opinion, taking risks also involve some thinking, at least with the forces you can control. Have at least some idea as to where you might crash, before jumping off ledges and hoping for the best.


Stay true to your purpose

In as much as I want to believe that we will succeed in life and love, we won’t. Even with the suggestions I have pointed out, most of us will still encounter failure. However, the amount of guilt we feel will most likely depend on our genuine intentions of taking the risk.

If our ultimate goal of taking a leap of faith is to get together with the person we sorely want, instead of to make that person happy and fulfilled, then we might be heading towards an irreconcilable defeat. It only means that we took these risks for ourselves, not for the other person.

While I get that we all want to be with someone, remember that ultimately, what brings us happiness is the other person’s happiness. If we embraced the fact that the success of our risks lies on the other person’s happiness, then we still end up fulfilled.

Just think about it: when you take a risk to make the other person happy, can we actually call it a failed attempt? Not in this book.


Everything is a balancing act, really. Any or all of these should not change the way you pursue women, but only change the way you view yourself.

By all means, offer yourself to the person of your dreams if you want to, but don’t stray too far that you leave your own self behind. After all, when all is said and done, and when risks start to fail one by one, who is there to comfort you but your own self, right?